We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I deserve this hangover.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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