there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
