Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
