I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
