'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
