I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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