Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I need moral support for this bender
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
