eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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