Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
