If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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