____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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