You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
time to smoke my breakfast
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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