so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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