Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
