You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
