i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
