omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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