I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sex in the backyard? Check.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
