Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
