You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
