i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
