We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
