It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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