i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
