Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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