Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
