Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The ass gains better be worth it
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