Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
