I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
