You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
