Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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