I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
