I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
