i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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