Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
