remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
