apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
