I accidentally burped into my bong.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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