So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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