found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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