My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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