if you like me you must not know who I am
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
