All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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