He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
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Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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