Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
