I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
