So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
