my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
