Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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