if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the day after is always just damage control
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just had sex on a roof
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
