By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
