You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
