remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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