I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
