Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
