i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
