I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
