And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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